Is all this worth it?

Sometimes I wonder.. with all the effort, time and energy going into all these tests and treatments — is it all worth it? I’m tempted to ask my friends with infants and toddlers — did growing your family really add that much more to your life? Even though you’re waking up multiple times a night and battling stubborn toddlers — are you happy? Do you love your life? Would you have chosen a different path? Do you miss your old life?

In some sense, it’s strange for me to even think that — I’ve always known I wanted kids. I was the kid who would be playing with the babies instead of the ones my age. I’ve never seen myself as not-a-mom when I ‘grew up’. But sometimes, I wonder.

In other ways, I have a fairly happy life. I have a good marriage. A career that I’m (finally) getting a foothold in. A loving family. Supportive friends. Enough financially for our needs. Good health (barring the infertility related stuff).

Infertility is a weird beast. Sometimes it consumes so much of me that it’s hard for me to remember all that. These days, I measure time in cycles. I have 1 cycle of vacay. I start my new job in my next cycle. It’s just ever pervasive and even during my enforced break, it’s hard to not think of what the decisions are, whether different meds are working. Every day, there’s meds I take that remind me, yet again, that this is now a part of my life. Honestly, I just want this part to be over and soon. I want to stop thinking about taking various meds to get my body to function normally. I want to have the normal baby problems. I want my worries to be what stroller I should buy. Sigh. 2018! *crosses fingers*

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17 thoughts on “Is all this worth it?

  1. Of course it’s such an individual thing. The grass is always greener… as they say. After dealing with infertility for a year (IUI, IVF, FET), having multiples was a shock. It turned our whole lives upside down. The pregnancy was pretty uneventful and they were born healthy but my hormones and exhaustion caused me to say several times: “This was a mistake.” Now I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I do wonder if I hadn’t had them if I could ever be like those people with the wonderful productive lives with no kids or if I’d always have that feeling of missing out. I still have a very happy full life independent of them. Best of luck! xo

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  2. Crossing everything for 2018 for you! I hear you on the “is putting ourselves through all this pain worth it?” question. I think about my own journey, which did not end the way we’d hoped and that wound is still quite fresh, and in some ways I wish we had moved to other options sooner, or that we hadn’t put ourselves through all the pain we did to end up without a child, but I know we did everything we could and that pain made us the people we are today. Does that make sense? There are always multiple pathways to travel and different ways to get to the same end, or you can do the same things as other people and not get to the same destination…but I love that you are aware of your thoughts and feelings as you travel your own path. Because only you know what works for you — whether it’s taking a break (or not) or thinking about different outcomes while hoping with all your might for the one that ends with a baby. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks for your perspective! It’s unfortunate but I think, sometimes, it’s easier to know that there was nothing else you could have done rather than ‘what if we tried X?’ (which would drive me nuts)

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  3. As mamajo said, “I think we all can find a way to joy whatever is handed to us.”

    I wouldn’t ask any parents if it is worth it. Of course, they’ll say yes, because to imagine their children “not there” would be a huge loss.

    The thing with infertility and loss is, in my experience of observing dozens/hundreds of women over a decade and a half, that we all have our own limits, we all have our own stresses, and it takes a different toll on each of us. You’ll know, deep down, if you can keep going, or if you need to stop. And for what it’s worth, it sounds to me that you’re not yet ready to stop. But in the meantime, the recognition that the other parts of your life are all good is a lesson in gratitude, and mindfulness, and that can only help you continue on this journey.

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    1. Well, I do know that I’m nowhere near ready to call it quits. I’m tired of this whole process but the only way forward (for me) is to go through it.
      And yes, as much as possible I’m trying to take what good I can from this process. Learning patience for instance!

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  4. I had the same thoughts over and over. Especially when people keeps telling me how much they want a child free life. To me, I went through stages. Really hopeful at the beginning of each cycle then start to question whether or not it is all worth it when I get negative tests over and over. In the end, I always ask myself this question: will I regret the decision I make today whichever is in 10 years? The answer to me is always quite clear. I would rather keep trying and if I succeed great, if I don’t, at least I can tell myself I tried my best. Also taking into consideration fertility is very age-sensitive. I don’t have the money today to do IVF but we finance it because in 10 years when we have the money I may not have many eggs left. That’s how I keep myself going on the journey. But it never hurts to take a small break if you are feeling overwhelmed

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    1. Well, I don’t regret going along this path. However much I hate it, if this is my path to kids, so be it. But I do wonder occasionally about all the pain we put ourselves through.

      As for small break – well, I’m on an enforced one now and all it’s really doing is ramping up my impatience! 🙂

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      1. Yea it is one of those things that some people said really helped them. To me, it makes me more anxious and upset especially when I see more and more people become pregnant

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  5. “Is it worth it” is a hard question to answer: because so much changes: when you have a child or children you sacrifice some things, and gain others, and meanwhile your circumstances and life changes so it’s hard to make easy comparisons. Every life becomes worthwhile for different reasons. For me having child/ren was more about choosing a certain kind of destiny than trying to make myself happy. Of course, I hope my chosen path will make me happy but I don’t really know; I can’t know. It’s a leap of faith. I know I find lots of meaning and joy on the moments. If I didn’t have kids I assume I would to, but it would be a different challenge.

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    1. That makes sense – it’s about the type of path rather than the current feeling on one specific path. And I think, on some level, almost every life decision (choice of partner/job/etc) is a leap of faith.

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  6. Fair question for sure. So having battled Infertility and now a parent here are my thoughts. The unfulfilled desire to have children was such a huge barrier to my own peace and joy. I couldn’t see a path to living childfree without feeling a huge huge loss. That being said- the actual role of a parent is super challenging and hard. I enjoy it so much more because I didn’t know if I would get to be one. This makes the super crap part bearable and the good parts incredibly joyful. My personal opinion is if you are a happy person you will be a happy parent. If you are a miserable person being a parent won’t fix that. I think we all can find a way to joy whatever is handed to us. Just certain parts of the journey may be more challenging. Rambling comment and hope it made sense.

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