Sometimes I wonder.. with all the effort, time and energy going into all these tests and treatments — is it all worth it? I’m tempted to ask my friends with infants and toddlers — did growing your family really add that much more to your life? Even though you’re waking up multiple times a night and battling stubborn toddlers — are you happy? Do you love your life? Would you have chosen a different path? Do you miss your old life?
In some sense, it’s strange for me to even think that — I’ve always known I wanted kids. I was the kid who would be playing with the babies instead of the ones my age. I’ve never seen myself as not-a-mom when I ‘grew up’. But sometimes, I wonder.
In other ways, I have a fairly happy life. I have a good marriage. A career that I’m (finally) getting a foothold in. A loving family. Supportive friends. Enough financially for our needs. Good health (barring the infertility related stuff).
Infertility is a weird beast. Sometimes it consumes so much of me that it’s hard for me to remember all that. These days, I measure time in cycles. I have 1 cycle of vacay. I start my new job in my next cycle. It’s just ever pervasive and even during my enforced break, it’s hard to not think of what the decisions are, whether different meds are working. Every day, there’s meds I take that remind me, yet again, that this is now a part of my life. Honestly, I just want this part to be over and soon. I want to stop thinking about taking various meds to get my body to function normally. I want to have the normal baby problems. I want my worries to be what stroller I should buy. Sigh. 2018! *crosses fingers*