#MicroblogMonday: Telling family

Oddly I found it harder to ‘come out’ to family than to friends. Perhaps because it involves acknowledging the existence of sex which is something we go out of our way to avoid with our parents.

My mom knew from back when I was diagnosed with PCOS – I was young enough that she was the one who took me to a gynec. Presumably she told my dad? I’ve always known that he knows about things but I rarely tell him myself. But we didn’t tell my parents we were trying up until we were actually starting treatments. Mostly it felt too awkward and anyways, what could they do or say? Still, since then they’ve been nothing but supportive, especially since my mom was here during my last cycle and the ectopic so she could see the drain of all of it.

In-laws — well, we finally told them when we were trying to make them understand why we weren’t planning on trip to visit then and instead wanted them to come visit us. They don’t live in the same country so a trip to visit them is usually at least 3 weeks. I couldn’t fathom losing (potentially multiple) cycles because we were traveling. To give them credit, the moment we told them, they immediately asked, “ok, when is best for us to visit?” Actually, I think they were just relieved that I wasn’t high-powered-career-woman-who-never-wants-kids. With the ectopic.. well, I never talked to them about it. My husband told them and then no one mentioned it again (which is what I wanted).

So both sets of parents know but none really knows any details. And all of them largely take our lead — if we want to talk, they’re willing to listen but they don’t bring it up.

As for extended family, we have no plans to tell anyone. Either we’d get a lot of (already known and unnecessary) advice or “well, my daughter had a hard time. she was trying for 3 whole months!” stories or “it’s not in God’s plan” stories. None of which are remotely comforting. Last time we visited, I told my husband that if any of extended family asks about kids, I’d talk to them very explicitly about ovulation or timing sex. Thankfully I never had to carry through with that threat (because I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to)!


10 thoughts on “#MicroblogMonday: Telling family

  1. I agree, it was easier to tell friends than to tell family. For me, it was harder to share infertility information with people that cared deeply about our family situation vs. people who don’t. Our parents care very much if we can have children, but it doesn’t matter particularly to my friends if we can or can’t. So it was easier to tell the friends. But, like you we have received lots of support from everyone and really not very many stupid comments at all. For me the hardest part was getting people to understand that our situation is really serious: it’s not an easy fix. In a way that’s more important since we had a child. I’m pretty sure my mom had a hope for a while after AJ was born that we were cured, or the doctors were wrong, and we could have as many children as we wanted now. Yeah, not the case unfortunately.


  2. That’s an interesting distinction, but, yeah, when you’re talking about family building, you are talking about sex (sometimes). Glad that you’ve gotten through those conversations.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this: “And all of them largely take our lead — if we want to talk, they’re willing to listen but they don’t bring it up.” That can be such a gift, to have parents who support you and take your lead on how to talk about it. I think that hypothetical response to people is great — you might find yourself with the guts to do it some day if someone says something ridiculous enough… But for now, I’m glad that you don’t have to. 🙂


  4. I agree it is harder to talk about it with family than friends. I only let my mom know, my dad doesn’t know it, neither is my in-laws until recently. Even that we only talk about we are going thru treatment no details at all. Glad it all went well for you

    Liked by 1 person

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