Back on the IVF train

A second kid has been a weird topic at home. Hubby and I had always wanted 2 kids but after all that went on last time, I at least wasn’t as confident. It took a couple of years before I could even contemplate pregnancy and recovery without a gut “nononono”.

With varying degrees of success, I have been trying to use the last year to get healthier. I put on a lot of weight post-pregnancy — I’m basically back to my max-pregnancy weight. Sigh. I finally saw my endocrinologist to try and get my glucose down (my overall sugar levels are fine but it spikes post-meal). So now I’m on a continuous glucose monitor (yay for tons of data; boo for having lots of errors). I also started metformin. And maybe there’s a glimmer of hope that between the two of them, my weights slowly coming down? Maybe. I also had a ton of neck issues (courtesy of a year+ of remote work) so started physical therapy for that. It ended up being a really good idea — effectively a lot of the exercises were strength training and I actually have some muscle now.

Mostly I feel like I would want to have 2 kids (when they’re older) but 2 little ones now feels like a lot. But I’m also not getting any younger — I turned 35 this year and am well aware that everything becomes harder with age. Covid also changed plans — we were originally thinking of kid #2 last year but then decided to put it off till things stabilized more.

It’s a very different mindset that I’m finding myself in. Before A* I would have done/gone through pretty much anything to be a mom. Now.. well I am a mom. And while I might want another child, its nowhere near that level of desperation (if that’s the right word). We finally did have a talk with my RE and basically said that we wanted to try again but aren’t going to pull out all the stops. We’ll try a few rounds and if that doesn’t work, that’s that. We have an embryo in the freezer and will try a FET. And then.. maybe 1 retrieval cycle? I really don’t see myself having energy for more than that.

And so with a lot of caution, we’re back on the IVF train. Testing started last week; I had my saline ultrasound today. I had completely forgotten what’s involved! It’s been 4(!) years I suppose so that’s not entirely surprising. But there’s just so much and I had forgotten. Calling them the moment your period starts. Hubby testing. I need letters of clearance from my endo and an MFM. A bunch of additional tests from other doctors (pap smears, breast exams, etc). It’s a lot.

The nurses were all “what took you so long to come back?” Honestly.. sleep deprivation. And a ton of fear. Fear of all the complications of pregnancy. Massive tearing. A hard recovery. Mostly I’m crossing my fingers that this time will be easier.

The other part of (potential) kid #2 that’s surprisingly hard is the lack of support. Like take my mom — I know its coming from a place of love and caring but she’s mostly been saying “it’s ok to have only 1 kid”. I know that she just wants me not to worry or push my body for something I’m unsure about but that also makes it harder to push for it myself. Or a friend who when I was complaining about the mental load of the sheer number of appointments/pieces involved in IVF was like “You don’t have to do this. It’s always a choice.”

And yes, it is a choice. I am choosing to put myself and my family through this again. But also, for us, we need a ton more help and involvement than the average couple and that never fails to sting.

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