For better or worse, most of what’s been taking up my mental bandwidth is work. It always makes me feel like a bad mother when that happens but also.. that’s who I am.
Some of it is grant deadlines, some is I decided to apply for industry jobs and see where it leads. Since last summer, work has been a roller coaster in a way that family life hasn’t. In retrospect, I started back way too soon and I think I should have tried to insist on longer leave, even if it was unpaid. And then Nov and Dec were bad, really bad, at work. I work closely with a labmate on this project and we kept hitting walls and weren’t really sure why and weren’t getting concrete enough feedback and kept getting criticism for why we weren’t further along. We pushed through that but echoes of it show up every so often.
This is why when things clicked about how an academic track might work out, it was unexpected. Now.. well, mostly I go back and forth. There’s a lot of things I’m constantly considering and some of it boils down to personal vs family trade-offs. So we’ll see – if a job comes through that I’m excited about, I will probably just go with that.
I will say that I always thought that by 32 (33 next month), I would have figured out my career and not still this confused.