The little things

One thing I’m learning about grief/disappointment/frustration is that often, it’s the little things that remind you of the losses and the could-have-been’s.

I started packing for moving next month. There’s plenty of time still but I like having things sorted and planned and organized. And in that sorting came across various sentimental items. Among which was a onesie.

When we finally got the positive pregnancy test, I told one of my best friends. She’s one of the people in my life ‘in the know’ so she was overjoyed for us. That was the first (and only) gift we received for the baby. Yes, it was super early but it was such a sweet gesture on her part, especially since she knew that we had been trying for years. When I found out about the ectopic, I told my mom to hide it someplace where we wouldn’t see it. I found it today. I’m not actually sure what to do with it. The practical part of me wants to keep it for our future baby(s). The sentimental part wants to keep it with my other sentimental items as a memory of this baby. The still-hurt part of me wants to add it to the donation pile so I never have to see it again.

I would have been a little over 20 weeks by now. Wow. Halfway through.

A decade from now, I hope all this will just be a memory of a really shitty year. Certainly others have been through worse. If this is my lowest point in life, then frankly, I’ve had a good life.

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2 thoughts on “The little things

  1. Oh hun. This is so hard. I can remember being in the trenches when we were trying for E and thinking that I could do this for years if someone could just tell me that at the end it would work out and I would get my baby.

    Don’t play the Pain Olympics- where you are right now sucks and the uncertainty and emotional load are oppressing. Others may “have it worse” but that does not mean your feelings are invalid or selfish. It is your one life and you are allowed to be hurt and frustrated that it is causing you so much pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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