One thing I’m learning about grief/disappointment/frustration is that often, it’s the little things that remind you of the losses and the could-have-been’s.
I started packing for moving next month. There’s plenty of time still but I like having things sorted and planned and organized. And in that sorting came across various sentimental items. Among which was a onesie.
When we finally got the positive pregnancy test, I told one of my best friends. She’s one of the people in my life ‘in the know’ so she was overjoyed for us. That was the first (and only) gift we received for the baby. Yes, it was super early but it was such a sweet gesture on her part, especially since she knew that we had been trying for years. When I found out about the ectopic, I told my mom to hide it someplace where we wouldn’t see it. I found it today. I’m not actually sure what to do with it. The practical part of me wants to keep it for our future baby(s). The sentimental part wants to keep it with my other sentimental items as a memory of this baby. The still-hurt part of me wants to add it to the donation pile so I never have to see it again.
I would have been a little over 20 weeks by now. Wow. Halfway through.
A decade from now, I hope all this will just be a memory of a really shitty year. Certainly others have been through worse. If this is my lowest point in life, then frankly, I’ve had a good life.