Life as usual

In more side effects, I think the methotrexate is causing some fair to fall out. Or maybe it’s all the hormones. Or the decrease in them. Who knows. Hopefully it’ll grow back eventually.

In some ways I’m lucky that all this happened during a lull period work wise – I have a new job set up and I’m in the wrapping up phase of my thesis. Now I’m having to get back to work and some days find it awfully hard to concentrate. I have a talk to give at my new lab next week. That’s going to be an interesting challenge – my to-be-PI is in a very different field so I need to figure out how to pitch my work to a non-my-field audience.

I think I’m getting a little too distracted by fertility related stuff right now. Oddly I find is less stressful and easier to not obsess when I’m actually on a treatment cycle. During those times, I know roughly what to expect and someone else (ie the clinic) is directing my fertility-life. Now, I’m trying not to spend too much time reading. I still have a lot of questions that I’m uncertain of – some related to recovery after an ectopic and some in trying to figure out next steps. One thing I wish the nurses and the clinic would give me is a better sense of what to expect. Like how much/how long will the bleeding continue for after the methotrexate? When should I expect a period? Would it be a normal period?

I’m also rather concerned about how to handle the next treatment cycle. The 3-month ban puts at August for starting to try again. Which is also when I’m going to be starting my postdoc. I’d be fine handling an IUI with a new job – I know what to expect and the side effects are manageable. But IVF — for some reason IVF terrifies me. Maybe it’s the thought of surgery. Or anesthesia. Or having to give myself that many shots. Or just the sheer quantity of hormones in my system. And it’s definitely making me nervous starting all that at the same time as a new job. Then again, why am I planning my personal life around my work life so carefully? It seems like a dumb reason to hold off trying to kids. So .. I don’t know. I think we’ll definitely do the HSG to check if/how badly my tubes were affected. And re-evaluate after that.

In other things I’ve been obsessing over, I spent way too much time yesterday trying to visualize my last cycle — what all the components were, how things changed, when I knew things. I think any data visualization person would lambast it — there is way too much information and multiple scales and generally, too much going on. But I kinda like seeing it all in one place. It was actually weirdly cathartic – I suppose it made an emotional experience more of a playing-with-data one.

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