People tell me I’m a positive person. I don’t often feel like it but I’d like to think that infertility has not totally pulled me down. Over the last several years, I’ve found many things to take comfort in – I have a husband who is a gem, family who are incredibly supportive, wonderful friends, a job I enjoy. And even on the fertility front – my case is.. standard run of the mill PCOS. No other issues, so theoretically should be a relatively straightforward resolution. So I’ve been keeping faith, trying to maintain the optimism.
This time, it’s a bit harder. Yet another several friends are pregnant with no issues whatsoever. While I keep getting one hit after another. Finally, even when I thought I was pregnant, it turns out to be unviable. How shitty is that? And how weird? I have none of the risk factors for an ectopic pregnancy.
Still, there are silver linings which I’m trying to draw comfort in. Egg quality and sperm quality seem ok. Clearly I have ovulatory issues but clomid seems enough to resolve them. Fertilization seems ok. Embryo health seems (ironically) ok. Lining thickness was good. So.. there’s hope that things will succeed in time. My husband’s new mantra is ‘2018 is our year.’
And there are other things that are going well. After many (many) years, I’m finally finishing up my PhD in a few months. I got my dream job which I’ll start this summer (which even allows us to not be long-distance!). It’s exciting and social relevant while still being technically challenging. I don’t have to worry about going on maternity leave almost as soon as I start. I’ll likely have the protections of FMLA by the our little one finally decides to arrive in our life.
So, inspite of all this, I am grateful for all that’s going well in my life. And trying to keep the faith that it’s just a matter of time for us.
At this point, all I want is for things to resolve fast (and hopefully without surgery). And then I’m building new aims for the next several months. Build stamina. Build core strength. Lose some of that tummy weight (and hopefully that will help sugar levels). Enjoy the summer for once – go to those outdoor concerts and explore the city. Eat good food. Go swimming. Read a lot so I don’t start my new job completely blind. Read more non-fiction. And life goes on.