Finally starting!

I’m finally starting my first IUI cycle (and second medicated one). Yay! I’m nervous (do we really know how to be parents?) and excited (finally!) all at once. I’m also worried — what if my thyroid numbers could have been better? What if I get gestational diabetes? But I will cross those bridges when I come to it – it’s not like I can do anything else anyways.

I had a few scares about not starting the cycle (because honestly, this whole process seems like one delay after another). My endo wanted to test my sugar levels and it’s borderline. So he wanted me to tell my RE in case they chose to go with metformin rather than clomid+IUI. My RE eventually said, this is fine, let’s go ahead with clomid. And then right after my day 3 blood tests + ultrasound, turns out that I didn’t have insurance approval. Even though I had it two months ago. And I had called (both my clinic and insurance) to explicitly ask. Apparently it expired (which is weird when I didn’t even use it). So I ended up starting clomid a day late but that seems to be a standard protocol too.

I don’t know if it’s the extra hormones or just the general stress but I’ve been feeling more.. raw lately.

For instance, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. They gave me one packet with the clomid and then three more. As far as I knew, I needed only 1 more – the HCG trigger shot. And then had to ask for clarification (the remaining turned out to be the needles and syringes). I asked the pharmacist how to administer them and they were just “well, we don’t know, the doctor usually does it.” So no help there. The instructions also seem non-trivial – there’s a couple of different vials and they have to be mixed and then there are strong admonitions about bubbles. I’m just asking a friend to do it (she’s a doctor). But this is the type of situation where I wished I had more guidance with the day to day stuff. On top of it, the whole way home, I just felt like crying. I mean, I’m glad that I have access and opportunities to medical advancements but oh, I really wish I didn’t need it.

Yesterday threw another curveball – one of our close friends announced their pregnancy. For various reasons, I guess I just didn’t expect it. At least they told us by text first so I had time to compose myself before a skype call. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. But I just couldn’t not cry. I ended up sobbing all the way home. We ended up taking a ‘mental health’ evening – bought takeout and watched a chick flick. It’s just hard to take when for some people things come so easily. Meanwhile, we’re hitting 2 years of trying and no progress.

I think each announcement of our friends breaks my heart just a bit more. For some, I know I’ve become a worse friend. It’s shitty of me but I feel that’s the price I needed to pay to protect myself – by just cutting myself off from certain friends. I had a blowout with my mom a while back when I said that I just don’t want to know anything about my cousins kids. I don’t wish them harm. I just don’t want to know anything – not that they’re expecting, not that they had a girl/boy, not that the kid is walking – nothing.

Some part of me can’t help but think this is karma. So many other things in life came easily to me – I was always a good student and loved learning, I have a good job, I found my life partner so young and frankly, with minimal drama, I have a wonderful family and great friends. Maybe this is my payback for that.

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