And onto the next cycle

I think the worst part of the trying-to-conceive process is the endless waiting. At the beginning of a cycle, you’re waiting for your period to be over so you can start trying. I suppose the actual trying phase is less waiting :). But then there’s the two week wait. In which I get increasingly crazy as time goes on. I start being quite normal. I end by googling every little symptom and estimating chances of having conceived.

This time it was especially hard because I knew I had ovulated so some of the guesswork was out. So day 28 comes.. and I was spotting. I usually spot for a day before my period so I was devastated. Of all days, it was mother’s day. But I cried for a bit, then put on a smile and went to hang out with some friends. Which turned out to be a good move – getting out in sunshine and enjoying the wonderful weather and food was cheering. And by the end of the day, I realized that there was only that bit of spotting. And so I hoped. It was too late for it to be implantation bleeding but spotting in the first trimester seems not-uncommon. Plus, with three follicles, who knows what happened. And it went on – for the rest of the week, I’d see a tiny bit of spotting, be devastated and then hope when there wasn’t anymore. Honestly, I think a part of me knew I was deluding myself – I’m usually not bad at picking out pre-period signs. And.. period came on day 31. Which sucked. But at least I was off this crazy what’s-going-on roller coaster.

Things I’ve learnt from this cycle – even doctor estimates of ovulation time can be off. Assuming a luteal phase time of 14 days, that puts ovulation day as day 17/18 — not 14/15 that she was expecting. So we could have barely missed the window. What does worry me is what if there’s another issue that we’re not diagnosing? Some issue with cervical mucus? Or the lining? Or.. idk, egg quality? I keep having to tell myself that even with clomid, that’s only a 30% chance in a cycle and it’s not surprising that the probabilities didn’t work out.

Honestly though, my biggest relief in this cycle has been that there wasn’t any pause. I went in for a day 3 baseline ultrasound (which kinda sucks to be bleeding and totally exposed). And scheduled the rest of the monitoring cycle. Let’s see – I’m off meds for this cycle (my doctor was concerned with the strong reaction to clomid so I’m doing one month on, one off). And praying for this cycle.

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